18 Hella Ludicrous Stories About Steven "Hella Ludicrous" Seagal

The 80s and 90s were a golden age for American action films. The genre launched the careers of icons like Bruce Willis, Arnold Schwarzenegger, and Mel Gibson, along with a whole pantheon of popular B-listers such as Jean-Claude Van Damme, Dolph Lundgren, and an intriguing martial-arts-instructor-turned-movie-star named Steven Seagal.   

Seagal's fighting style was aikido (he was the first foreigner to operate an aikido dojo in Japan), which focuses on blocks, parries, throws, and other defensive moves, so his action scenes were unlike anything in American movies at the time. And so was Seagal himself. It wasn't long before ludicrous Steven Seagal stories began to emerge, and he developed a reputation as one of the strangest and most difficult-to-work-with stars in the industry.

There are a lot of insane things about Steven Seagal, and this list looks at some of the weirdest and most troubling ones that have emerged over the years. From his obscure music career to his new status as "Russian citizen Steven Seagal" and the fact that he's a living god (no lie!), there's a reason he's continued to fascinate us over the years. And now Russia gets to have Steven Seagal, too!

According to some accounts, as Segal's star rose high in the Hollywood sky, he began to believe his own hype. Apparently, at the height of his fame, he once claimed to be immune to a judo choke hold. To prove this claim, he instigated stunt man and martial arts legend Gene LeBell to choke him. LeBell obliged. 

As it turns out, Seagal was not, and probably still is not, immune to judo. LeBell choked ol' Stevie until he passed out and crapped his pants. 

Penor Rinpoche, a venerated Tibetan Buddhist monk believed to be a reincarnation of Indian monk Vimalamitra, recognized Steven Seagal as the reincarnation of Chungrag Dorje, a treasure revealer who founded a Tibetan monastery. As Rimpoche explained: 

In February of 1997 I recognized my student, Steven Seagal, as a reincarnation (tulku) of the treasure revealer Chungdrag Dorje...

Traditionally a tulku is considered to be a reincarnation of a Buddhist master who, out of his or her compassion for the suffering of sentient beings, has vowed to take rebirth to help all beings attain enlightenment. To fulfill this aspiration, a tulku will generally need to go through the complete process of recognition, enthronement and training.

Rimpoche went on to clarify that, while Seagal is recognized as the reincarnation of an important man, he should not be thought of as a holy person. 

In the case of Steven Seagal, he has been formally recognized as a tulku, but has not been officially enthroned. He has also not undergone the lengthy process of study and practice necessary to fully realize what I view as his potential for helping others. 

Rinpoche even addressed Seagal's career in his statement:

As for Steven Seagal's movie career, my concern is with the qualities I experienced within him which relate to his potential for benefiting others and not with the conventional details of his life which are wholly secondary. Some people think that because Steven Seagal is always acting in violent movies, how can he be a true Buddhist? Such movies are for temporary entertainment and do not relate to what is real and important.

Steven Seagal, a vegetarian, has worked with PETA to dissuade consumers from purchasing fur products, in contradiction to his puppy-and-chicken killing activities on reality television.

In 1999, Seagal was decorated with a PETA Humanitarian Award for preventing the export of baby elephants from South African to Japan. In 2003, he wrote a letter to the government of Thailand asking the country to consider legislation preventing the torture of baby elephants. He similarly wrote to the prime minister of India regarding cows. 

According to the Animal Liberation Front, "Seagal believes in reincarnation: 'When I walk into a room some people see a dog, some people see a cow. I am all of what they see. It is their perception.'" Films like On Deadly Ground and Fire Down Below reflect Seagal's stance on animals and the environment. 

A profile in Vanity Fair says it all:

One day, an executive walked into Seagal's trailer and found Hollywood's reigning manly man... weeping. 'Oh, I'm reading this script,' Seagal explained, still misty. 'It's the most incredible script I've ever read.'

'That's fantastic,' the executive said, 'Who wrote it?'

Seagal didn't miss a beat. 'I did,' he replied.

At one point, Seagal had his own reality show, Steven Seagal: Lawman. On this show, he played cop for real in Maricopa County, AZ, alongside pillar of the community Sheriff Joe Arpaio, who once said, "I don't use e-mail or u-mail or whatever it's called." Boyish hijinks ensued.

During one arrest, Steven bravely drove a SWAT tank through the front wall of notorious cock-fighting master criminal Jesus Llovera's compound. Llovera's alleged crime was keeping 115 chickens on his property to use in illegal fights. Someone forgot the first rule of Chicken Fight Club and squawked to Seagal. 

During the raid, Llovera's  puppy was  killed, and the 115 chickens were euthanized.  

Ol' Stevie released an album in 2005 called Songs from the Crystal Cave. He describes its sound as "outsider country-meets-world music-meets-Aikido." Somehow, he convinced Lady Saw (!) and Stevie Wonder (!!!) to appear on the album. In the liner notes, Seagal is listed as performing vocals, rhythm & lead guitar, drums, percussion, and clay pot.

Seagal co-wrote most of the music and lyrics for the record, and came up with some of the most insightful, artistic, poetic words this side of Nobel Laureate Bob Dylan. Some noteworthy lyrics from the record include:

• "My philosophy's from outer space"

• "I could ruin your livelihood/I could kill you I would/With the messiest sh*t you ever heard/I could trash your lip, mutate ya /You might lose your wife I might destroy your life"

• "The last school I know would f*ck you for money/Hey man this is freedom of the press/ Who you mean feedin' the f*ckers for free?/Hey man this is our constitution and you know the fifth f*ckin ammendment/You turn this piece of paper into a weapon of mass destruction our forefathers would be rollin' over in their graves"

• "Girl what you really want all night/Me want the buddy, make me feel nice/Boy what you really want all night/Me want the poonani, see for make nice/She want the buddy/Him want the poonani/And me know it nice"

It's easy to see why Steven Seagal wanted to be a movie star. He loves making up stories. Supposedly, he was a student of the founder of Aikido, Morihei Ueshiba. Ueshiba died in 1968, when Seagal was 14. If this story is true, Seagal was living alone in Japan at 13 or 14. There are reports of Seagal hanging around Ueshiba's studio in the late '60s/early '70s, though it's unlikely his time there overlapped with when Ueshiba was teaching.

Seagal also claims he helped train CIA agents in Japan, telling the Los Angels Times, "They saw my abilities, both with martial arts and with the language. You could say that I became an advisor to several CIA agents in the field and through my friends in the CIA, met many powerful people and did special works and special favors." His wife at the time denies he was involved with the CIA, but isn't that what the CIA would want her to say?

What else? Well, Ol' Steven has said he's of Italian descent, but his his mom says he's Jewish and Irish. He also apparently fought the yakuza with the help of the American Mafia, as one does. Oh, and he's supposedly one of the world's foremost experts on swords, claiming he's regularly retained by auction houses for authentification purposes.

Steven Seagal is a movie star. It should be easy for him to hook up with lovely ladies, like all the characters he plays in his movies. But he just keeps messing this up.

He sexually harassed Jenny McCarthy in a bizarre and repulsive encounter she describes thus:

I'm listening to him go on and on about how he found his soul in Asia and is one with himself and whatever. When I said, "Well, I'm ready to read," he said, "Stand up, you have to be kind of sexy in the movie and in that dress, I can't tell." I stand up and he goes, "Take off your dress."

He also sexually harassed Ray Charles's granddaughter, Blair Robinson ("It became clear to me that he wanted and expected sexual favors as part of my job duties."). And four office assistants on the set of Out For Justice, a movie that could be construed as a sexual assault on the art of cinema. His ex-wife, Kelly LeBrock, was so frightened after their divorce she basically went into hiding in the wilds of Santa Barbara.

On top of all that, a former assistant filed a lawsuit against Seagal, alleging sexual harassment, sex trafficking, false representation about employment, retaliation, and wrongful termination. According to Jiu-Jitsue Times, "Kayden Nguyen accuses the actor of sexually abusing her three times, and in one situation, she had to escape Seagal’s home in New Orleans. Nguyen claims Seagal keeps two Russian attendants who have to be ready for him at all times."

Apparently, while Seagal was living in Japan in the '70s, he met a mystical dog. He described feeling as though he'd known the animal, which was all white and wore no collar, his entire life. The dog lived with Seagal for a few days. On the final day of its stay, it flew into a barking fit, alerting Seagal that his aikido dojo was on fire. The warning allowed Seagal and friends to extinguish the flames and save the dojo. The dog vanished while they were doing so, and ol' Stevie never saw it again. 

Who doesn't want Steven Seagal to be a citizen of their country? Russia got lucky here, really. Steven was probably open to this because Russia's run by a kindred spirit of his, Vladimir Putin. As Claire Suddath wrote in Bloomberg in 2013, before Seagal was granted citizenship by the modern czar himself, 

As it turns out, Seagal and Putin pal around quite a bit. The actor has dined with the Russian leader, gone with him to sporting events, and attended state functions. The two “have long been friends and regularly meet each other,” Putin spokesman Dmitry Peskov told the Russian Itar-Tass News Agency in March...

In Russia, C-list action stars are adored without irony, and Putin and Seagal seem to have bonded over, among other tough-guy traits, a shared affinity for martial arts.

The friendship helped get Seagal involved in the war on terror. When US lawmakers traveled to Russia to investigate the perpetrators of the Boston marathon bombing, Seagal escorted them to their meetings. According to Representative Dana Rohrabacher, “Seagal opened some doors."

Seagal praised Putin's annexation of Crimea, saying Ukraine is run by fascists and needs a leader like ol' Vladdy to liberate it. He also appeared at a 100,000-person strong motorcycle rally in Sevastopol, Crimea, in support of Putin. When Seagal called Putin "one of the greatest living world leaders," Estonia revoked an invitation for him perform at a blues festival there.